A New Jersey widower in his 60s has sparked renewed interest in the state’s marriage laws after writing to the syndicated advice column Dear Abby asking whether he is legally allowed to pursue a relationship with his first cousin.
The man, who signed his letter “Confused in New Jersey,” explained that he lost his wife to a heart attack two years ago and has since developed feelings for a cousin who is also in her 60s, divorced, and works as a lawyer. He asked columnist Jeanne Phillips, who writes under the name Abigail Van Buren, whether it would be reasonable to ask her on dates and whether New Jersey law would even permit the two to marry.
According to the response published in Dear Abby, the legal reference website Justia does not list first cousins among the relationships barred from marriage or civil union in New Jersey. That means, as the column noted, the arrangement “seems to be legal” in the state.
Phillips cautioned the letter writer not to assume his feelings are mutual. She advised him to consider whether his cousin shares his romantic interest before taking any steps forward, warning that misreading the situation could cost him a close family relationship.
“You risk alienating a family member you deeply respect and admire,” Phillips wrote in her response.
Other letters in the column
The same Dear Abby installment included two unrelated letters. One came from a reader identified as “In the Middle,” who described two brothers, Derek and Paul, who have been estranged for more than six years over what the writer called poor communication rather than any specific conflict. The letter writer revealed that Derek has been diagnosed with terminal cancer and does not want his brother Paul told, and asked for advice on how to get Derek to reconsider. Phillips advised against assuming the reasons behind Derek’s silence and suggested asking him directly, while also encouraging a separate effort to plan a sibling gathering around Paul’s schedule.
A second letter, from “Bothered in the West,” described a friend who clipped her fingernails inside the writer’s car and later rested her shoes on the dashboard. Phillips suggested a direct, firm response asking the friend to stop and clean up after herself.
Dear Abby was founded in 1956 by Pauline Phillips and has been written for nearly four decades by her daughter, Jeanne Phillips.
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