Missouri Woman Seeks Advice on Grieving Sister-in-Law, Sibling Rivalry in Dear Abby Column

A Missouri woman wrote to the nationally syndicated Dear Abby column seeking guidance on how to handle her sister after her brother’s death, in one of two letters published this week by columnist Abigail Van Buren.

The writer, who signed her letter “Bad Sister in Missouri,” said she has been visiting her brother’s widow, whom she calls “Cheryl,” twice a month since he died a year ago. Cheryl lives an hour away and does not get around well, but the writer said she treasures the visits with the woman she calls “the love of my brother’s life.”

The trouble, she wrote, is her sister “Kate,” whom she described as “self-centered, whiny, disruptive, and generally unpleasant.” The writer said she has avoided mentioning the visits to Kate because she fears Kate will insist on tagging along once she finds out, and she would rather Kate arrange her own separate visits with Cheryl.

“I love Kate and don’t want to hurt her, but on the other hand, I don’t want her to ruin my visits with Cheryl either. What should I do?” the writer asked.

In her response, Abby advised the woman to be upfront with Kate rather than continue hiding the visits. She suggested telling Kate that one-on-one time with a grieving widow tends to be more beneficial than group visits, and then — with Cheryl’s blessing — encouraging Kate to set up her own separate visits. If Kate pushes back, Abby suggested enlisting Cheryl’s support.

A second letter on mental health and moving away

The same column included a letter from a 34-year-old reader signed “Conflicted in the North,” who has been diagnosed with schizoaffective bipolar disorder. The writer said she has stuck with years of treatment, including a psychiatrist, a therapist and daily medication, and does not drink or use drugs. She is soon to graduate from a master’s program in counseling and wants to move back to a region in the South where she once lived happily on her own, but her family is resisting, fearing she could begin hallucinating again without nearby support.

Abby advised the writer to first consult her therapist and psychiatrist about the move. If both professionals approve, she suggested bringing a family member along to a session where the therapist could walk through a support plan for the new location, which could ease relatives’ worries. If her care providers advise against moving now, Abby urged her to follow their guidance and ask for benchmarks to work toward before relocating.

Dear Abby is written by Jeanne Phillips, who has penned the column for nearly four decades. It was founded in 1956 by her mother, Pauline Phillips. The column’s mailing address is listed as Kansas City, Missouri.